I am going to preface this with a disclaimer. This is not going to be a very upbeat post. I have really been struggling this week. It may not look like it from the outside (which is exactly how I like things), but I’ve been having a rough time missing James. The picture above was taken at the zoo one week before James was stillborn at 20 weeks.
I miss my baby boy. I miss being pregnant. I’m one of those (probably) annoying people that just loves being pregnant. I don’t mind being sick– because on the real, I wasn’t sick at all with my first two boys. Side note: Unisom Sleep tabs and Vitamin B6 is my daily cocktail when I’m pregnant, and I swear it works to keep the morning sickness away. At least it did for me anyways. I take a half of a Unisom tab and one Vitamin B6 with my prenatal every morning during pregnancy.
I love a good baby bump, and luckily for me, my momma blessed me with her genes, so I am all belly when I’m knocked up. I love having a belly. I love talking about having a belly. I love feeling the baby move. And I seriously don’t even mind the glucose test or having monthly doctor’s appointments– for me they’re actually kind of a vacation because I don’t bring the kids with me. Everything about being pregnant makes me happy. I’m even one of those people that would get a kick out of taking a childbirth class.
If you had told me any of this ten years ago, I would have laughed in your face because I was the least nurturing human being on the planet– my family can vouch for that. But somewhere along the way, my heart softened, and I realized that being a mother is what I was born to be. I love everything about it. These boys are my world, and my life before kids seems like another lifetime ago. It’s pretty surreal.
Seeing all of these other mommies having new babies and announcing their pregnancies is really hard. I am so happy for them all, I really am from the bottom of my heart. I am. But I wish I was still carrying my sweet baby boy. I wish I was worrying about gaining too much weight instead of forcing myself to eat every day. I wish I could hold my sweet boy and see how much his brothers would hate sharing their toys with him instead of going to visit his grave at the river. I wish I was holding him instead of this teddy bear that the nurses at the hospital gave me.
The holidays have been especially hard, and I’m sure that’s something that will continue every year. All of this togetherness (that I always complain about but secretly enjoy) has been a lot harder than I anticipated it would be. It’s hard to be here without James. I know God’s plan is bigger and more perfect than I could even begin to fathom, but dang. It hurts right now. I miss my baby boy.