This weekend was interesting for me because the husband is on an internal medicine (IM for future reference) where he’s working with the residents that he may end up working with for the next three years– that is if the stars align and he matches with the IM residency program in our hometown. That’s how it ends up working out in my perfect world, after all.
I’ve been pretty spoiled this year in terms of how available Matt has been to me. For the most part, unless he’s doing a rotation in another town, he’s been working normal hours and minimal weekends. Which means we’ve had oodles of time to spend together on the weekends as a family. And it’s been a godsend having him here to help with the boys because every momma needs a break
at least once a day sometimes.
This weekend I was sorely reminded of what it’s like to be a single mom– yes I’m probably being a little melodramatic, but this is my blog, so I guess I’m allowed to be. I don’t think I’ve seen Matt aside from passing him on my way out and noticing him come into bed at the end of the day. Needless to say, things have been a little tense around here. He’s frustrated because I expect him to assist with the kids when he gets home after he’s been working all day. I’m frustrated because I have to tell him how we do things around here lest he undoes all the progress I’ve made (in terms of discipline, especially). The kids are frustrated because they miss their daddy. So we’re losing on all fronts.
I know this is just a small taste of what IM residency is actually going to be like, and that unnerves me a little bit. We know we want another baby– even more desperately now after losing James, who was definitely planned and wanted. Adding another baby to the mix is going to be really hard no matter where we end up for residency, and the majority of it is going to fall on my shoulders. This is what I want in my heart of hearts– to be able to stay home with my babies during their formative first years– but it isn’t easy. It isn’t me sitting around all day taking naps and eating bon bons.
I do feel like I’ve mastered the art of having two children, and I am ready to level up, but boy will I probably be in for a rude awakening. What do I do when I can’t carry them all? Most humans only have two arms. What do I do when I’m outnumbered in a busy parking lot and it’s raining? What do I do about fitting three carseats in my car? Am I crazy for wanting three right now? Probably. But it is what I want, and I will be ecstatic when I see a second pink line on that test.
When I was pregnant with James, I was so confident in how it was all going to work out. Now that I’ve had all this time to think, I find me second guessing myself and questioning my abilities. I know it’ll be hard, but this medical school journey is almost over, and I’m finally at the point where we can see the finish line (way way way out in the distance). This is all going to pay off for us and give us the life we dream of for us and for our kids. But for the time being, it’s going to be difficult, and I accept that.
And here for your viewing pleasure, I give you some pictures from our weekend. A birthday party and a Christmas party all in one day. And then there’s the ending to this weekend where I missed a dear friend’s birthday party due to my having the wrong time written down in my planner. Which I feel awful about. I’m going to need a weekend to recharge after this weekend. Thankfully, we’re headed to the coast for another interview on Tuesday, so that should help a little bit.