A couple of days ago, we packed up the boys and decided to take full advantage of the 70 degree January South Carolina weather by going out to the river. It had been a couple of weeks since we had gotten to go out there, and this momma was missing her angel baby. For those of you that don’t know, our third son was stillborn this past October, and we buried him out at our favorite place with a sweet little magnolia tree.
Whenever we go out there, the first thing I always do is go visit Baby James’ little magnolia tree. I usually water the tree and sit for a spell– catching him up on what his brothers have been up to that week and such.
Usually I do this without crying because it’s become a part of life that I’ve just had to accept. But this day was different. The weather was beautiful. The air was warm. The sun was setting– painting the sky a gorgeous pink. I told James to get excited because the days would soon get longer, and the warm weather would be here to stay. We are summer people, so we’re anxiously awaiting the day the river gets warm enough to jump on in. Cold weather is for the birds, after all.
I don’t know exactly what it was, but something I said to him just made me lose it. I started weeping. My boys and their daddy running through the woods in the background, laughing and enjoying the Carolina sunset– and me, sitting at the headstone of my youngest, crying. How can it be that this child would never know the feeling of jumping into the cool river on one of our famously hot summer days? That he would never get to sit with his momma and watch the sun set over the river. That he would never get to run through the woods with his big brothers while his daddy chased them all through the trees. James will never get to experience any of these things, and it absolutely breaks my heart into a million little pieces.
I’ve gotten better about letting my heart lead me over my mind– and I am sure that that is what I’m supposed to do. Losing James has taught me that I’m supposed to feel. I’m supposed to soak all of this in. I need to live life to the fullest. I need to try crazy things (within reason, of course). I need to do it for him. Because he didn’t get the opportunity. I’m going to live my life experiencing everything, and I’m doing it for my boy.