Blogging about life and living it to the fullest. Pretend princess/mermaid. Actual basic southern millennial trophy wife.
Childhood Cancer

Shattered

I’m seriously trying to remember what mirror I broke or a time where I walked under a ladder or did something to merit the ungodly amount of bad luck I’ve been having lately because something or someone or the universe is out to get me. I am cursed. The number of awful things that keep happening is just unbelievable. It’s almost comical at this point. Every time I think things can’t possibly get any worse, something happens that proves me wrong. Like am I going to get struck by lightning next? Should I buy a lottery ticket? Because this many bad things happening in one person’s life cannot possibly be normal. 

Two nights ago, I went to visit Savannah in the NICU. Just like I do every night while she’s there. Matt was on call, and I wasn’t expecting to see him until after we both got home. Probably around 9:30 or 10:00. But that night, he got off early and was able to surprise me by coming to the NICU for Savannah’s 9:00 feeding. That was nice because we don’t really get to spend much time together while he’s on these inpatient rotations.

We left the hospital in separate cars to go home— Matt following behind me. I was on autopilot because driving home at night after visiting my baby girl in the NICU and wallowing in self pity and anxiety and some postpartum depression has pretty much become my new normal. There wasn’t much traffic because it was late, and I had made this drive routinely for about a month now. My mind was obviously not where it should have been— which is on the road. Not advisable. 

Crash. 

I didn’t see the car. I didn’t see her coming. 

I saw a green light, and I turned left. I turned left in front of a college girl and her boyfriend driving straight through a green light. I didn’t see her. She was coming from the opposite way, and she must not have seen me either because we hit head-on. She didn’t swerve to move, and I turned right into her. 

It was completely my fault. Failure to yield. I just didn’t see her. I was thinking about Savannah. I was thinking about how I don’t even feel like I had a baby because every night I drive home from the hospital without my little girl. I was thinking about Reese. About how this is his last week of radiation and about how the next couple of weeks are going to be filled with tests and scans to see how much of an effect the treatment has had on his cancer so far. I was thinking about Cole and how I haven’t had the opportunity to potty train him yet because of everything that’s been going on. I was thinking about Matt and how much I’m struggling without him and how we’re not spending enough time together as a couple. I was thinking about our house and how long it’s going to take for everything to be completed. I wasn’t thinking about driving. 

The airbags deployed— right into my face— and I smelled smoke. My arm was burning, and I was completely disoriented for a minute. When I processed what had just happened, I opened my door and got out. The girl and her boyfriend were already standing outside. We all checked to make sure everyone was okay and no one was injured— and luckily, no one was.

The next few minutes are a blur. 

I don’t know who showed up first. Matt had been driving right behind me, so he saw the whole thing. He pulled off to the side and came over to make sure I was okay. There were firemen and EMS and a couple of cops. One of the firemen told me everything was going to be okay. That was comforting. 

After answering questions and talking to the policemen, it was determined that I was at fault for the accident— which I knew already, but no one was hurt, and it could have been so much worse. Thank goodness no one was in the car with me. And I’m so thankful that no one was hurt. 


The past couple days have been a whirlwind of phone calls with insurance adjusters, car rental people, body shops, and towing companies. On top of all the calls I receive on a regular basis from doctors and health insurance companies and medical billing departments. I just don’t know when it will stop. How much can one person take? I’m trying to see the bright side, but it’s getting pretty hard to do that. I’m counting my blessings, but I sure am ready for things to start going my way. I’m so close to being broken. 

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